Miracle Space Heaters, Dangerous Cooking

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Allen

I have spent many an amusing lunch explaining over and over why the “four cellphones and a kernel of popcorn” video is bogus. It’s hard to understand how anyone could think seriously about that video without suddenly slapping his forehead and bursting into laughter. There isn’t even any need for science.

I’ve had even more fun discussing the mysterious super-expensive “infra-red” or “ceramic” space heaters that miraculously transform electricity into heat so much more efficiently than, um, well, uh, er, um, resistors. Folks have a hard time grasping that the only difference in output between one of these heaters and a kilowatt of ordinary light bulbs is that the light bulbs are microscopically less efficient as heaters—they sacrifice what? 1%? of their heat output in the form of visible light. But for $379 you can get this new money-saving “ceramic” heater… The rational mind reels…

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Apologia to the Difficult Client

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Allen

I am, in effect, politely, with an auspicious and a dropping eye, with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage, to coin a phrase, dropping my Difficult Client. Long story, but the dropping itself is not related to economy. Not dropping was directly related to absence of remunerative alternatives, but I decided I’d rather lose my house than continue exposure to that particular toxicity. Some day we shall all gather round a flagon and laugh about our respective Difficult Clients. Nevertheless, in some small measure, despicable though it be, a solidly DC can speed the blood and rouse us from the lethargy of regular income.

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Shirley Tomorrow

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Allen

She is the Angel of Hope, the Harbinger of Happy Endings, and the Bringer of Closure. She wears a red cape and flies to the aid of all in the throes of woe.

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Extreme Depth of Field in Photoshop

Posted on March 29, 2015 by Allen

A friend of mine created a beautiful custom paint job on a pair of cabinets, and wanted a photo of her work. Unfortunately, the cabinets are in a narrow hallway and can’t be moved. Here’s how I obtained about 12 feet of depth of field in Photoshop.

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Dada Admonition #40

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Allen

Do not for a minute, for a red second, consider the in-crept flourish of incipient interpretation as evidence of dialectic, symbology, metaphor, or sullied necromancer abdomens billowing by the deckle sidelines.

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Literary Commerce

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Allen

I was reviewing a thick semi-monthly called Poets & Writers, which, among a few other things, catalogs all the writer resources, workshops, programs, seminars, retreats, and contests it can find during the next few months. It’s also chock full of ads for same.

(To put things in perspective, if the associated application forms, brochures, ads, and resources were all placed in a 300-gallon Vita-Mix blender with a hogshead of mulled wine and fifteen gallons of Elmer’s Glue-All, and blended for at least five minutes on High, the resulting mulch could make an imposing papier mâché statue of Mark Twain. The rest is unclear.)

What sprang to my notice was that virtually everything in this vast compendium of writer stuff was aimed at either obtaining credentials (largely MFA degrees) or practicing (or just sitting and listening) in the proximity of successful authors. The obvious consensus is that ‘successful’ means commercially successful, although in fairness, successful poets are merely published—nobody actually buys poetry. But there are prizes! Innumerable cash prizes. So even though you can’t sell a poem, you can win with a poem, and if you win often enough, you could probably afford to buy books by successful writers in other genres (fiction or non-fiction).

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Warning #3015

Posted on March 15, 2015 by Allen

WARNING

Studies confirm existence of dangerous infra-red electromagnetic radiation emanating from living warm-blooded creatures.

Keep at least three feet away from living warm-blooded creatures.

NOTE: This includes humans. Do your part. Keep your distance.

This is not a joke.

The Management (#3015 in a series)

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Magic

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Allen

Magic gets into the cosmic very fast, at least for us. What does “magic” even mean? What is real? Is anything real? Should we not take into account the inherently magical or illusionary qualities of the most basic sense perception? The image we see in the mind’s eye is only vaguely related to the stimulus on the retina, with or without a prestidigitator being involved. The senses are the ultimate conjurors. Or that layer in the nervous system between the senses (the physical sensors, that is) and the movie screen of experience. That’s where all the folderol takes place.

Gak! There’s no end to it!

[This post is dedicated to all my friends who are magicians. Wait a sec—we’re all magicians. Holy hat-rabbit, Batman!]

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Warning #3013

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Allen

WARNING

The combustion of logs, branches, and kindling in open fireplaces or enclosed cast-iron stoves generates dangerous infra-red electromagnetic radiation. The same is true of barbecue devices, or open pits containing glowing coals, whether charcoal or actual coal.

This is not a joke.

The Management (#3013 in a series)

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Neuralgia

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Allen

I’ll never forget those damned campfires that we remember so often that I can’t remember a time when we weren’t remembering them.

I never rely on digital media alone, but always try to provide paper-airplane backup. The freezing rain impedes their progress, but Shirley, tomorrow?

I think the title was supposed to be Nostalgia.

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